just to let u kno

its not a hiatus, but as im moving i wnt have the internet, id have to use the wifi at the coffee shop near by, and i wnt be able to afford to go there each day, so ill prob only be posting once a week, but it will be a big post tho, nmot like my frequent short ones.

red bracelet

i just found my 3 old red bracelets, brings back memorys, im gonna start wearing them again

ugh food

yesterday i went shopping to buy stuff for the kitchen, was kinda fun, but not, coz i hate kitchen s and i hate food, im gonna be living with my j [my boyfriend] so there will still be icky foods in the flat, so i will be strong, i will resist. i will be strong, coz one day i will be perfect, in control. i move on saturday, im almost packed.

scared scared scared

it is my last day of work tomorrow, everything is changing, its all happening too fast, and im powerless to stop it, my mom wanted me out by the end of the month, so here i am, quitting my job, moving to a different town, totally disrupting my life. and it is all at my mothers whim, but what can i do? i had to move, i had no choice, tho deep down i kno its for the best, im moving back to my hometown. i will be  nearer my friends, and will be living with my boyfriend who will be refered to as j.

as moving day draws closer

i am exited, tho a little aprehensive, i go to get the keys on friday, and i move some furniture in then too, and i move all my stuff in on saturday, tis gonna be good, tho one main problem is i dnt have a fridge freezer, or a way to get the double matress there, its gonna be fun dragging that lot, up all those flights of stairs, [im on the top floor of a 5 storey building.] then i will be free of my mother, and therefore able to have what i want to eat, when i want to eat, instead of her cooking up fatty meals, yuk. and another good thing bout the move is that i will be closer to my friends

nothing tastes as good as thin feels

i must remember this, as i reach for that cookie, or that can of soda, i need to learn, that perfection needs control, i have 56 lbs to lose, and i have 5 months to do it in, i will be thin by the end of june,

and then i will continue to lose, dropping down down down. i will make people proud, i will show them i can do it, i have all my old skinny clothes stiull in my closet, i will fit them again. i am determined to.

i want

~ to be thin
~ to be able to walk into a shop and try anything on
~ to be able to buy that amazing piece of vintage clothing knowing it will fit me
~ to be so light that i dnt leave footprints in the snow
~ to be envyed by other girls
~ to prove everyone that i can do it
~to be able to wear anything and look good
~ to have the confidence that i kno being thin will give me
~ hipbones
~ a gap between my thighs
~ to not feel ashamed of myself
its not too much to ask, is it??

some thinspo

feel crappy

i got epic stoomachache, i shouldnt have eaten toast last night, but i did, i sshouldent eaten it coz, a] its full of cals, and b] it isnt good for my food intollerences. but oh well, we all make mistakes. i may go do some yoga later, seeing as im in too much pain to any cardio.

th future for me

in a weeks time im moving to a different town, im moving in with my boyfriend, its gonna be good. i will finally be away from my bitch of a mom. and will be able to properly restrict and excersize, without her constantly critisizing me. i will be able to organise my food up into portions properly, and i can do my salsa excersising for ages.

fuck it all. ur such a failiure

y the hell do u exist? u fat vile failiure!!! y havnt u made ur parents proud??  y arnt u thin?? u eat to fucking much!!!! u dnt deserve food! how can u let urself be controled by this evil thing known as food. y should have just died all those yrs ago, its been 4 yrs!!!! u failed, and u failed again, and again, u keep failing, u were so thin back then!!! what the fuck happened, look at urself, ur the uglyest creature on the planet, gain control, restrict, remeasure, reweigh!

introduction

well this is my blog, im 18 yrs old, 5ft 6, ednos,
hw: 161lbs
cw:156lbs
lw:90lbs
gw1:150lbs
gw2:130lbs
gw3:115lbs
gw4:100lbs