4 years

just over 4 years since i tried to di, i failed so much twice in 2 weeks and i didnt succeed, tho i will soon, it will work, ill not let my body get the better of me, noooo way! i shall die, i shalll get what i deserve.

thinner

dunno by how much my scales are fucked and i cant afford new ones. but my friend said i looked thinner, so im hoping its true. i feel like such a fat bitch right now as i had arctic roll for pudding, and ive just had enough im cutting more and burning more, and taking more risks, hell i even purged again a few days ago, and in promised myself i wernt gonna do that. i give up, im fed up of this fucked up life, the only good bits are drunken days with my best friend A, we sat along then seafront and got drunk and smoked rosemary, [dunno y it isnt even a drug, we were being wierd] and we were scaring joggers, an it was so cool, we had no sleep that night, we went back to mine once j had gone to work and we ate a pasta and prawn omlette, and it was just so much fun.

its getting real crappy now

well this is fun...... i possibly have borderline personality disorder.  not good, i am selfharming again, burning my arm with cigerettes, things not going good with my boyfriend, who iu live with, but dnt wanna live with, some of my friends are real worried about me, one of whome knows so much about me, and is always there for me, he is awsume, we did coke together the other night, i am drinking more, doing more drugs, [the drug thing is no biggie, it avereges out at  half a gram a month of coke, and countless amounts of weed] i am contemplating suicide  again, and i have just lost my motivation for anything. so basically things are going shit.

fucked up awsume nights

coke weed alcohol and party, its all good, until the come down in the morning....

jobs, diet and moshpits

had an interview for a job as a  barmaid, which would be cool, i gotta wait and see if i get it tho.  diet is going ok, i have been eating waay too much pasta, but as we have litteraly no money [ dunno how we are even gonna get the rent paid this month] than i had no other choice, and just not eating for a few days as out of the question, on wednesday i went to a gig to see my friends band perform, they are so awsume, i was sitting outside the pub with them drinking all evening before they went onstage, tthen during there set we had a moshpit, only a small one as there wernt that many of us that wanted to take part, so that was wednesdays excersize! tho the 3 cans of strongbow that i had before during and after the moshpit, did not do any good, thats the prob with having no money, u gotta drink cheap alcohol. but i am gonna start my degree in a few months time, im studying the arts, but mainly litrature. latin, and the art of language, and possibly some history as well, so studying classical artists and writers, i cant wait!! stay strong xxx

well, well,well

last week has been ok , i have got soo drunk on so many days, and i was high on coke on friday, the only problem, was when me and j [my boyfriend] had a massive arguement, and i resorted to the only coping method i kno how, a minor od on painkillers, self harm, and alcohol, it got too much and i didnt kno what to do, so i rung one of my best friends and he helped me sort it out, im so thankful for having the friends i have,

smile, it wont last forever

i hate feeling like im not making any progress, i hate the mirror, but i kno it wont last forever, as long as i be a good girl, then the numbers will go down, weight, inches, sizes. i kno its worth it, i can do this, im optimistic at the moment as im sitting here knowing that my body has only had 530 cals today and i only have a small buffet dinner to go, as i sip my 5 cal raspberry and cranberry spring water, looking at thinspo sites, and beleiving in my self. i can do this, i will do this, and i must always remember that yes it may be 'only 100 calories' but it all adds up!!!