sorry for my absence

had alot on my mind, moved house twice since i was last on here, have a different boyfriend now, have done alot more drugs, mental health got worse, weight is bad 162lbs, yuk. but im working on that

suicide, drugs, fairgrounds new love, and piercings

oh well this is fun, a month ago i attempted suicide, large overdose, was in hospital over night, i split up with my bf a couple days later, and its a really fucked up situation, i got a new bf, he is so lovely, and then aa week ago i overdosed again, didnt go to hospital but was really ill for days, then i went to work, still ill at a fair, i was working one of the rides, the chairoplanes, was all cool till i shorted out the electric, lol, i been smoking more weed, and getting high more often, and i got my tongue and medusa[ middle of top lip] pierced, i lost 7lbs last week, and im hoping for another loss this week, my new bf is not happy with my eating habits. but oh well.

4 years

just over 4 years since i tried to di, i failed so much twice in 2 weeks and i didnt succeed, tho i will soon, it will work, ill not let my body get the better of me, noooo way! i shall die, i shalll get what i deserve.

thinner

dunno by how much my scales are fucked and i cant afford new ones. but my friend said i looked thinner, so im hoping its true. i feel like such a fat bitch right now as i had arctic roll for pudding, and ive just had enough im cutting more and burning more, and taking more risks, hell i even purged again a few days ago, and in promised myself i wernt gonna do that. i give up, im fed up of this fucked up life, the only good bits are drunken days with my best friend A, we sat along then seafront and got drunk and smoked rosemary, [dunno y it isnt even a drug, we were being wierd] and we were scaring joggers, an it was so cool, we had no sleep that night, we went back to mine once j had gone to work and we ate a pasta and prawn omlette, and it was just so much fun.

its getting real crappy now

well this is fun...... i possibly have borderline personality disorder.  not good, i am selfharming again, burning my arm with cigerettes, things not going good with my boyfriend, who iu live with, but dnt wanna live with, some of my friends are real worried about me, one of whome knows so much about me, and is always there for me, he is awsume, we did coke together the other night, i am drinking more, doing more drugs, [the drug thing is no biggie, it avereges out at  half a gram a month of coke, and countless amounts of weed] i am contemplating suicide  again, and i have just lost my motivation for anything. so basically things are going shit.

fucked up awsume nights

coke weed alcohol and party, its all good, until the come down in the morning....

jobs, diet and moshpits

had an interview for a job as a  barmaid, which would be cool, i gotta wait and see if i get it tho.  diet is going ok, i have been eating waay too much pasta, but as we have litteraly no money [ dunno how we are even gonna get the rent paid this month] than i had no other choice, and just not eating for a few days as out of the question, on wednesday i went to a gig to see my friends band perform, they are so awsume, i was sitting outside the pub with them drinking all evening before they went onstage, tthen during there set we had a moshpit, only a small one as there wernt that many of us that wanted to take part, so that was wednesdays excersize! tho the 3 cans of strongbow that i had before during and after the moshpit, did not do any good, thats the prob with having no money, u gotta drink cheap alcohol. but i am gonna start my degree in a few months time, im studying the arts, but mainly litrature. latin, and the art of language, and possibly some history as well, so studying classical artists and writers, i cant wait!! stay strong xxx

well, well,well

last week has been ok , i have got soo drunk on so many days, and i was high on coke on friday, the only problem, was when me and j [my boyfriend] had a massive arguement, and i resorted to the only coping method i kno how, a minor od on painkillers, self harm, and alcohol, it got too much and i didnt kno what to do, so i rung one of my best friends and he helped me sort it out, im so thankful for having the friends i have,

smile, it wont last forever

i hate feeling like im not making any progress, i hate the mirror, but i kno it wont last forever, as long as i be a good girl, then the numbers will go down, weight, inches, sizes. i kno its worth it, i can do this, im optimistic at the moment as im sitting here knowing that my body has only had 530 cals today and i only have a small buffet dinner to go, as i sip my 5 cal raspberry and cranberry spring water, looking at thinspo sites, and beleiving in my self. i can do this, i will do this, and i must always remember that yes it may be 'only 100 calories' but it all adds up!!!

new start,

the plan, i was following was great, except for the fact that it made me ill, i bloated, and had headaches. so im gonna formulate a new plan, but with more variety, as i think it was the lack of variety that made me ill, i have cut down on all the unhealthy things and snacking, i now eat meals at proper times. and i have found a new love of smoothies, i have always loved them but they are so expensive to buy, but as i now have a blender [yay!!] i can make my own, and i am in love with a pineapple one that i make, i simply pour an entire time of pineapple including then juice into the blender, i blend until smooth and then pour it, it makes about a pint, i think, well it makes 2 mug fulls anyway.

im going shopping tonight i need to buy healthy stuff as there is too much unhealthy in the cubords, i mean come one, 6 packets of instant whip, 4 packets of custard, i mean wtf?

i need more soup, i think i shall include lots of soup into my eating plan, soup and yoghurt, and cucumber

its been ages, i kno.

sorry i not been on for ages, but as i have very limited internet time, it cant be helped, new eating plan starts tomorrow,
brekfast: special k, 200cals
lunch: yoghurt 107cals, tin of raspberrys, 180cals
dinner: broccoli 92cals
total: 579cals

water: at least 2 litres

excersize: lots of walking, and as the wether warms up, lots of swimming too :)

its been a month.

i am no thinner, at least i dnt think i am, tho i not got any scales, tho i am eating less, ok im still not eating the best foods, but veg is so expensive! tho im gonna start working on my scrapbook more, it sucks that i cant get on the internet that often :( but i should be getting it soon when my jobseekers comes through. i should be getting some bathroom scales this evening when i go shopping. im gonna work out later as well.

just to let u kno

its not a hiatus, but as im moving i wnt have the internet, id have to use the wifi at the coffee shop near by, and i wnt be able to afford to go there each day, so ill prob only be posting once a week, but it will be a big post tho, nmot like my frequent short ones.

red bracelet

i just found my 3 old red bracelets, brings back memorys, im gonna start wearing them again

ugh food

yesterday i went shopping to buy stuff for the kitchen, was kinda fun, but not, coz i hate kitchen s and i hate food, im gonna be living with my j [my boyfriend] so there will still be icky foods in the flat, so i will be strong, i will resist. i will be strong, coz one day i will be perfect, in control. i move on saturday, im almost packed.

scared scared scared

it is my last day of work tomorrow, everything is changing, its all happening too fast, and im powerless to stop it, my mom wanted me out by the end of the month, so here i am, quitting my job, moving to a different town, totally disrupting my life. and it is all at my mothers whim, but what can i do? i had to move, i had no choice, tho deep down i kno its for the best, im moving back to my hometown. i will be  nearer my friends, and will be living with my boyfriend who will be refered to as j.

as moving day draws closer

i am exited, tho a little aprehensive, i go to get the keys on friday, and i move some furniture in then too, and i move all my stuff in on saturday, tis gonna be good, tho one main problem is i dnt have a fridge freezer, or a way to get the double matress there, its gonna be fun dragging that lot, up all those flights of stairs, [im on the top floor of a 5 storey building.] then i will be free of my mother, and therefore able to have what i want to eat, when i want to eat, instead of her cooking up fatty meals, yuk. and another good thing bout the move is that i will be closer to my friends

nothing tastes as good as thin feels

i must remember this, as i reach for that cookie, or that can of soda, i need to learn, that perfection needs control, i have 56 lbs to lose, and i have 5 months to do it in, i will be thin by the end of june,

and then i will continue to lose, dropping down down down. i will make people proud, i will show them i can do it, i have all my old skinny clothes stiull in my closet, i will fit them again. i am determined to.

i want

~ to be thin
~ to be able to walk into a shop and try anything on
~ to be able to buy that amazing piece of vintage clothing knowing it will fit me
~ to be so light that i dnt leave footprints in the snow
~ to be envyed by other girls
~ to prove everyone that i can do it
~to be able to wear anything and look good
~ to have the confidence that i kno being thin will give me
~ hipbones
~ a gap between my thighs
~ to not feel ashamed of myself
its not too much to ask, is it??

some thinspo

feel crappy

i got epic stoomachache, i shouldnt have eaten toast last night, but i did, i sshouldent eaten it coz, a] its full of cals, and b] it isnt good for my food intollerences. but oh well, we all make mistakes. i may go do some yoga later, seeing as im in too much pain to any cardio.

th future for me

in a weeks time im moving to a different town, im moving in with my boyfriend, its gonna be good. i will finally be away from my bitch of a mom. and will be able to properly restrict and excersize, without her constantly critisizing me. i will be able to organise my food up into portions properly, and i can do my salsa excersising for ages.

fuck it all. ur such a failiure

y the hell do u exist? u fat vile failiure!!! y havnt u made ur parents proud??  y arnt u thin?? u eat to fucking much!!!! u dnt deserve food! how can u let urself be controled by this evil thing known as food. y should have just died all those yrs ago, its been 4 yrs!!!! u failed, and u failed again, and again, u keep failing, u were so thin back then!!! what the fuck happened, look at urself, ur the uglyest creature on the planet, gain control, restrict, remeasure, reweigh!

introduction

well this is my blog, im 18 yrs old, 5ft 6, ednos,
hw: 161lbs
cw:156lbs
lw:90lbs
gw1:150lbs
gw2:130lbs
gw3:115lbs
gw4:100lbs